I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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