I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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