My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
God, I missed his penis.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
