I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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