i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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