It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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