I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Vodka?
Forever.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
