I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
