Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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