If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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