Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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