Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
