we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
