I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
