I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
