We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize