i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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