I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
