she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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