Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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