Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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