If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
