They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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