Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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