Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
