flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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