My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
