smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
