I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
