drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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