It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
