P.S. I can't hear my feet
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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