Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just had sex bonerless
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
