I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
