I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
