I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
