I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It was confusing and full of hummus
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
