I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
