She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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