If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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