I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
