dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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