It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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