she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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