A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
