right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
