apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
