I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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