just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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