We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
