Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
