I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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