Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So much Jack, so little girl.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
