you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
