capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
