Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
