I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
