thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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