Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
