Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
