on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
