Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
