Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
