I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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