don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
