i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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